Krieger Katz
by Red Witch
Summary: Krieger tries to get into the cat toy market. Felines have their own views on this.


**Cats took off with the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. I saw this product on TV and this came into my tiny little mind. **

**Krieger Katz **

"Hello Internet Viewers!" Krieger waved to the camera. "Once again it's invention time on Krieger's Korner! Here with me to help me show off my latest invention are my good friends, Ray Gillette and Ron Cadillac!"

"Hello," Ray said to the camera. "I apologize in advance to whatever Krieger's cooked up this time."

"I have **no idea** why I'm still here," Ron groaned.

"Tell me about it," Mitsuko floated in.

"What are you doing here?" Krieger asked.

"Mitsuko here to watch your latest disaster blow up in your face," Mitsuko told him.

"This is not going to blow up in my face," Krieger told her.

"Okay blow up in **someone else's** face then," Mitsuko said.

"What?" Ray and Ron asked at the same time.

"It's fine!" Krieger said. "This is perfectly safe!"

"Ooh boy," Mitsuko rolled her eyes. "Mitsuko's heard **that** before!"

"Will you be quiet?" Krieger hissed.

Mitsuko went on. "That's exactly what you told that intern Mike when you got him to try that teleportation machine. We all know how **that went**!"

"What about this Mike guy?" Ron asked.

"I thought he left the agency to take care of a dying relative?" Ray asked.

"That's the cover story Krieger made," Mitsuko told them. "Notice he didn't specifically say **which **relative died!"

"Technically it wasn't a lie!" Krieger protested.

"Technically it wasn't homicide when Mike found himself splattered all over the lab," Mitsuko challenged back.

"Oh, I am definitely having second thoughts about this…" Ron paled.

"No! No! It's okay! It's okay!" Krieger protested. "Besides…That never happened. _**Got it**_ Mitsuko? **Never happened**!"

"Lots of things never happened," Mitsuko looked at him. "Like your promises to me!"

"We will talk about this **later!**" Krieger hissed at her.

"Another thing I've heard before," Mitsuko hissed back.

"Uh Krieger?" Ray gulped. "Maybe we should go…?"

"No! No! It's okay!" Krieger said. "This product is foolproof!"

"And you are the fool that will prove it," Mitsuko quipped.

"I'm **warning **you!" Krieger glared at her.

"Uh should we go?" Ron asked. "Maybe get some protective gear or something?"

"You won't need that!" Krieger assured him. "This product isn't for humans! It's for our furry friends!"

Ray remarked. "Krieger that describes pretty much half the people you know. You're going to have to be more specific."

"I'm talking about cats!" Krieger took out a product and put it on a table. "My new invention! Krieger Katz! No more bored fat kitties. This is a toy is scientifically designed to take advantage of a cat's hunting instincts."

"I've seen this before," Ray said.

"Yeah they had a product just like this on TV," Ron said. "With a little mouse or feather popping out of the holes in different places."

"Mine's different," Krieger said.

"How so?" Ray asked.

"Well for starters," Krieger showed them. "It's purple. And instead of a mouse or a feather, I have a little bunny popping out of the holes."

"Oh yeah," Mitsuko remarked. "**That** will fool the lawyers from the patent office!"

"So, this is a rip-off?" Ron asked.

"To be fair," Ray told him. "That is one of Krieger's specialties."

"Thank you, Ray," Krieger grinned. "Let me show you how it works. First we're going to need a test subject."

"Don't look at me!" Ray snapped. "I think you've used me enough as a test subject!"

"I was talking about an actual cat," Krieger said as he looked around. "Schnuki! Schnuki? Schnuckiputzi! There you are!"

Krieger picked up a familiar cat with futuristic metal limbs. "Who's a good kitty! Yes, you are!"

"Oh, dear lord," Ron winced. "I forgot you had that thing."

"Me too," Ray blinked.

"Okay," Krieger put the cat down. "Now I just turn on the machine like so…And…"

The machine started to move around a little bit. Then a small white bunny popped in and out of the holes with the cat pawing at it. "Hours of fun for our feline friends!" Krieger grinned.

"And hours more fun for the lawyers of the people who originally invented this," Mitsuko remarked.

"You already made that comment!" Krieger glared at her.

"Huh that cat seems to really be into it," Ron remarked as he watched.

"I also put a little catnip in the bunny," Krieger explained. "Just to further tantalize the cat."

"Looks like all it's doing is further frustrating the cat," Mitsuko pointed out.

"Nonsense," Krieger waved. "Schnucki **loves** this! It's safe harmless fun!"

"RARRRRRRRR!"

SHRED! CRUNCH! SHRED! CRUNCH! SHRED!

"OH, SWEET JESUS!" Ray screamed as bits of plastic and metal flew through the air.

"That may be fun!" Ron backed away. "But that sure as hell doesn't look **safe!" **

Soon the machine was shredded to pieces. The cat happily gnawed on the bunny figure among the wreckage. "You were saying?" Mitsuko looked at Krieger.

"Okay," Krieger blinked. "Clearly you **don't** give this product to cats with bionic limbs. Good to know. Important safety tip."

"Here's another tip," Ray groaned. "Don't mess with a cat that can shred you to pieces!"

"I have a **better** tip," Ron added. "Don't live with **crazy people**! Which is advice I wish someone had given me."

"I think you should stop this," Mitsuko told Krieger. "Before someone calls in with a tip to the ASPCA!"

"I wish someone would give me a tip on how to shut you off permanently!" Krieger groaned.

"Meow!"

"Oh sure," Krieger looked at the happy cat. "Rub it in why don't you?"


End file.
